July 23, 3:16 pm, Bardstown, KY

I cannot for the life of me figure out why people keep asking me for directions! One out of every three days I am asked for directions. Do I look like a local? Maybe. I have a theory:

Perhaps every town has this one guy who is, shall we say, a little touched in the head. He's highly functioning, maybe even has a part-time job at Wal-Mart. He gets to and from the local Wal-Mart on his 50-cc scooter. And he always wears his helmet! And he always wears his goggles.

Even though they hurt his nose!

And maybe, just maybe, he looks a little something like this:

July 23, 2:40 pm, Bardstown, KY

Trying to keep mind out of the gutter that is my bottom. Concentrate, crampy-san!

They sell ice in this town that's advertised as "Better than homemade!"

The NPR affiliate is WUKY. "NPR that rocks." I heard both Peter Sagal and Ira Glass intone, "You're listening WUKY, NPR that rocks!" It is amusing.

This isn't working.

July 23, 12:00 pm, Texas, KY

One Scooter's Haikus for Youse's Computers:

1) good Kentucky folk
you can't understand my speech
I know how y'all feel

2) so many cattle
glad I don't have to count them
or clean up their poop

3) objects in rearview
mirror may appear to be
driving up my ass


4) the wind in my hair
a wide smile upon my face
bugs in hair and teeth


5) hold it til Bardstown
oh man oh man oh my LORD!
you can do it, champ

July 22, 5:52 pm, Lancaster, Ky

1) Made my own Mr. Pibb today. Serviceable, but not good. Man....

2) It goes by many different names. Some call it "the runs", some "mudbut", others "Montezuma's Revenge". I call it "Taco Bell's Cannon".

Whatever one calls it, I have it, and I don't like it. I think it's from that Mexican Food. I hadn't eaten meat in weeks! And then I ate three chicken tacos. (Also, Ddogg bought me pickled jerky this afternoon, but that's a little to soon to be causing this kind of devastation (I think). This is bad, people!)

Remember when I said that it was like Christmas in my mouth? Well, now it's the middle of January, and the tree got all dry and brown and I had to throw it out. And it only fit through one door. Barely.

Here's hoping I make it to Danville intact.

7/21 Oh KY! RV Park, Berea (just outside), KY -> 9 hrs, 03449.1

July 22, 3:18 pm, Paint Lick, KY

1) Last night - Peter, Paul, and Mary did it ever rain last night. We got our tents set up at an RV Campground, just as the maelstrom descended. Fat lot of good the tents did, though. The winds were strong enough that I didn't feel safe in my tent. I don't think I'll ever feel safe in a moving tent. Also, I am a good planner, and I set my tent up next to a cove of flimsy-looking trees.

As you can predict, I ran like a ninny into the RV Campground Laundry Room. Did some laundry (much needed laundry), talked on the phone with Mary and Steve, listened to a whole show of Johnny Cash music on NPR, drank some Miller High Life Lite which this guy donated to us, killed time, et cetera.

Spend a lot of time chatting with this fellow named Paul, who is now retired, but who used to be a fire fighter and then a police officer in Madison County (of which Berea is a part). I learned quite a bit about firefighting.

For instance, did you know that there's something called a Red Team? That's a contingent of the firefighters who are there only to rescue other firefighters. If you try and use their tools, you will get your ass chewed out.

2) Today - in an effort to quit smoking, I bought the cheapest, worst pack of cigarettes I could find. The brand? "Kentucky's Best".

And I don't think they're kidding.

July 21, 4:22 pm, Berea, KY

I am having a lunch of tacos and tortillas @ El Rio Grande Mexican Restaurant. Mmmmmmme gusto! Two, count' em, TWO kinds of hot sauce, red and green. It's like Christmas morning in my mouth.

The waitress asked me if I would like anything to drink, and I said, "Water, please." I got a blank look in return. "Oh, um, wah-terr, please." Gritos y exclamaciones, and I got my wah-terr.

Wow, seriously, this is some good grub. Who knew one could get good Mexican food in Kentucky? Three chicken tacos for $3!

I guess, of all the cities in KY that I've seen so far, it figures that Berea would be the city with good Mexican cuisine. Berea reminds me of Santa Fe, except with no adobe in sight. A lot of local artists, though, displaying their wares.

The artists sell something called "Hot Flash Beads". I thought maybe I'd get some for my Mom, but I figure that that is treading into verrry uncertain territory. If she's not menopausal, it's a mite insulting. If she is, she might be moody anyway, and be all like, "And why do you assume that I'm going through The Change? Answer me! Answer me!! Why is it so hot in here?" and then fly into a conniption.

Where was I? Oh yeah, if you do come to Kentucky, be sure to stop by Berea.

(p.s.- I am allowed to make menopause jokes about my Mom, because my hairline is receding. Thanks again for the good genes, mother of mine!)

7/20 Booneville Presbyterian Church, Booneville, KY -> 9 hrs, 03356.1

July 21, 9:50 am, Pleasant Grove, KY

1) I am slightly lost. In the Town of Beattyville (pronounced "Beidle"), home of the Wooly Worm Festival. How do I know? As you approach the city limits, there is a giant sign bragging "Home of the Wooly Worm Festival!".

2) Somebody's been shooting the water towers!

3) Last night, the pastor thought I was British. I don't know what's happening to my accent.

4) Audley Gay is running for County Judge Executive. So it is possible that by this time next year, Kentucky may allow Gay marriages. Is this unusual? Let's ask candidate for Circuit Judge, Mr. Tom Jones.

Just lovely. And by that, I mean Gary Lovely, candidate for sheriff. Although he's running up against a Mr. Short, who has the best signs of all - "ELECT SHORT SHERIFF!"

You gotta love this commonwealth.

5) at the birthplace of Earle B. Combs. Centerfielder for the Yankees 1924-1935, coach for 36-43. Helped NY win 11 pennants and 9 World Series.

Lifetime batting average of .325!

Live from 1899-1976.

Happy late Father's Day, pops.

July 20, 7:54 pm, Booneville, KY

Forget my earlier post. Day is now awful.

[long ranty post ignored - ed.]

The less said the better. And I started smoking again.

I hate my brain.

7/19 Buckhorn State Park, Buckhorn, KY 12 hours!!, 03333.5

July 20, 11:44 am, Buckhorn Lake Campground, in Breathitt County, KY

Sweet baby James! Boy do I ever feel refreshed. Went to bed last night around 9:30, fell asleep sometime around 11. Woke up proper this morning at 11:11! I feel so great.

I just started to eat a hard-boiled egg, and but it was slightly bad (smelled funny and tasted tingly - only a day old, but kept in the heat allll day - go figure..) ->even this can't ruin my day. I am too refreshed!

So we stayed, and are in, a park managed by the Army Corps of Engineers. If Ddogg defaces the property, or I discharge a lethal weapon outside of authorized areas, we face prosecution under the Flood Control Act of 1970. Oooh, no! not the dreaded Flood Control Act of 1970!

Childish sarcasm aside - the Army Corps of Engineers derives their modern mandate from the FLOOD CONTROL ACT? My irony detector just exploded in my hand.

July 19, 9:00 pm, I don't care where I am, KY

Hurrah!

No smoking today. At all.

7/18 the Madden's Hostel, Pippa Pass, KY -> 7.5 hrs, 03227.1

July 19, 1:34 pm, guess where I am, KY

Because your guess is as good as mine.

Oh my crap is it ever scary to be sharing the road with coal trucks. It's bad enough when they come looming up behind me in the right-hand lane.

But it's something else entirely when they drive past in the opposing lane, and the wash threatens to knock me down. Holy sherbert!

July 19, 12:47 pm, still don't know where I am, KY

Boy, is it ever hot. I tell ya, it's so hot..

("How hot is it?")

It's so hot that we've been sitting underneath gas-pump awning since I made my last plog entry.

(rimshot).

Gotta love the classics.

The heat index is well above 100 today, and the only shade we can find is next to gasoline pumps. I'm kind of afraid that the pumps might burst into flame, but I don't care - I'm not moving.

July 19, 11:09 am, ??, KY, part 2

So much of the road here appears to have been hewn through the underlying rock. The exposed rock faces are pretty neat to drive past. Miles and miles of striated strara, blowing past me at 35 mph.

It's wonderful to imagine 200 million years ago, when all of this state was at the bottom of an ocean. (And not wonderful = great. I'm not trying to insult the good people of Kentucky here. Wonderful = 'I am full of wonder' (although being at the bottom of an ocean would be "wonderful" wonderful in that it would give Kentucky a good non-inbreeding excuse for having blue folk.)).

July 19, 11:09 am, ??, KY, part 1

Got lost for quuuuite a bit, and wound up in Rowdy, KY. Now, I may be wrong, but I think I was in the land of the blue people.

Saw a whole bunch of mail boxes with the name Fugate on 'em, and a street called Hardshell Fugate Fork (or Pike). And I know that the Blue Fugates lived in Kentucky.

For those of you who think I am crazy (or high) - I am neither. Well, at least not high. I can't remember the name of the condition, but it really did give folks blue skin. The condition is also (I think) a side effect of an early aspirin substitute that Tylenol replaced (for obvious reasons).

Anyway, that's that.

July 19, 7:34 am, Hindman, KY

Right near Hazard County - and ironically the only place that's sending out the NPR vibes. WEKH!

I just heard (via NPR) that a 28-year-old man from Hindman, Jason Mosely, was killed yesterday in a cave-in at a nearby mine. Counting my blessings.

July 19, 6:54 am, Pippa Pass, KY

Near Mary Lloyd College.

It is too early for my kind to be driving, gargantutron helmet or no. I pulled into a Texaco and got a large coffee. And for gas station coffee, it sure is delicious. Then again, all coffee is delicious before 7 am. Groan.

You know how I know I'm in the mountains? Because it's so damned foggy that I can't see any mountains.

So here's the lyrics to a song in my head since like at least Ephrata:

Oh, I like my lady like Pol Pot liked to garden.
In the Killing fields
of the Khmer Rouge
even a soft heart has to harden.

See the headless crowd standing underground,
like carrots.
Disembodies heads gathered into beds,
like cabbage.

Well, I like my lady like leather likes to cure.
And my lady likes me
like the birds on the sea love a shipwreck.

July 18, 8:20 pm, Ashcamp?, KY

Well well. Kentucky certainly is its own state (commonwealth? how many damn commonwealths (commonwealthes?) are there?).

Nowhere else have I seen baloney salad (like chicken salad, except pink). Milk comes in yellow containers, not clear, so it looks like a gallon of margarine. And man alive are the sides of the road dirty! Kentucky makes Virginia look clean enough to eat off of.

No crap - In 1/10th of a mile, I counted 97 separate pieces of litter. Which is both disgusting and uncanny.

This is the second time in a week that compulsive counting has totaled 97. Sigh. Now I must start counting the number of times my counting yields 97.

so far, 2. I'll keep y'all posted.

And no smoking today, at all! Bully for me!

7/17 The Breaks Interstate Park, at the border of VA and KY ->9 hrs, 03150.4

July 18, 12:11 pm, Ashcamp, KY

[no idea what this is about. I didn't write anything. sorry. -ed.]

July 18, 12:04 pm, Elk Horn City, KY

25 cent coffee!

At this price, I can drink like six or seven.

I am in heaven.

July 18, didn't record the time, Pike County, KY

1) Sweetness and light! We made it out of Virginia!! And it only took two weeks.

Now, I'm sitting on the border of Pike County, where either the Hatfields or the McCoys lived. Can somebody look up a little H & McC history for me? I have heard two versions of how the feud started - either one group shot a member of the other group during the Civil War, or somebody stole somebody's pig (or maybe shot the pig - maybe during the Civil War?). Much appreciated.

Also appreciated will be creative stories, wherein a pig in a Union suit shoots a member of the Hatfields. bonus points for using the phrase, "Dammit, Jim! I'm a doctor, not a sniper!"

2) Bad night's sleep last night. Bad dreams and rocky ground. My neck is killing me, and the ginormous helmet strapped to my noggin isn't helping matters, not at all.

July 17, 12:33pm, Haysi, VA

1) I'm stopped next a market, becuase boy am I hot. I just spoke with a fellow who is interested in buying a scooter. He is named Mr. F___, real first name Pridemore, but goes by Cletus (understandably).

His grandfather bestowed the name Pridemore on him, in honor of a local law enforecement officer from way back in the day (late 1920s or so). The local law had a bit of a feud with a federal agent. Seems the two of them had bad blood, all because of a woman. So they shot eachother to death in front of the local courthouse.

Mr. F____ was thinking about getting a Suzuki, but the Suzuki people told him $4000. After visiting with yours truly, he may get a Ruckus.

2) Also, when the pioneers traveled across our great country in their horse-drawn wagons, what did they do to slow their descent when they went downhill? We have had some wicked downhills. Did wagons have brakes? What kind of brakes? I want to ask Ddogg, but I'm afraid he'll just fix me with that look.

7/16 Elk County Methodist Church (no bugs!) -> 9.5 hrs, 03105.2

July 17, 10:45 am, Elk Garden, VA

A quick quiz:

The local ambulance company drums up business by...

a) Adopting and maintaining some of the local roads.

b) Sponsoring the annual Health Fair.

c) Pulling up alongside you when you're shooting down the highway as fast as you can go, cranking on the loudspeaker, booming "WHAT'S THE CAMERA FOR?", and attempting to carry on an involved conversation as you obviously try to make a left turn.

Any guesses?

July 16, 6:17 pm

1000 MILES! WASOME!

And but we're still in Virginia.

Harrumph..

7/15 Wytheville City Park (a.k.a. Withers Park) -> 7 hrs, 03018.2

July 16 4:59 pm, Hayter's Gap, VA

Go to Meadowview (it's almost a ghost town), and then take 80 to Hayter's Gap. There, you will find the most beautiful view I've yet seen. Imagine what Kelly Drive will look like after it dies and goes to heaven.

Wowsers.

July 16, 3:47 pm, you guessed it - Virginia!

There is no Mr. Pibb. At all.

Anywhere.

Only Pibb Xtra, which just isn't the same. One of the reasons I agreed to this trip was that I knew we were gonna be southbound, and that's where you can get Mr. Pibb (also, Swat's cafeteria, for some reason).

I'm almost like distraught.

July 16, 1:53 pm, in Virginia, STILL

1) Yesterday, Ddogg said that there were tons of snakes about. All I saw were five sticks and one long-ish piece of rope. Today I saw my first snake, a big black one! All right!

2) I am in love with a woman whom I have only heard. And I quote: "In high school, her father told her that she should probably not attempt to sing--or even speak--professionally, as it was 'a nuisance to others.'" My kind of woman!

and she's coming to philly (although I'll probably be in like Colorado somewhere.

anyamarina.com

3) 2 questions

a) What the hell is a Ruritan? I keep seeing signs for them, where they have adopted local roads and such. Never seen the word before this trip. I picture Scooby and Shaggy dressed as pilgrims.

b) You know what's great about driving a 50cc Honda Ruckus? When one sees a sign that says "Reduced speed ahead", one does not have to do a thing, because one is already doing 35 mph tops.

4) Hey now - NASCAR on the radio. Listen with bated breath as the pit crew changes a driver's tire! Jeff Gordon's car is slightly dented!! Lap 97!!! Burton doesn't stop in the pit!!!!

And people say that NPR is boring..

5) Been on Lee Highway for a loong time. It's nice, because every intersection is now an adverb. Firstly, Kokomoly, Mainly, Periwinkly, Industrial Highwayly, Trailer Parkly.

Sorry Cathy. no Cathy Lee. I looked. For hours.

July 16, 11:50 am, Marion, VA

1) Good food in heaven above! Why is it this hot? Hasn't anyone watched An Inconvenient Truth?

I am hiding in a sliver of shadow next to a Marathon foodmart. The shadow keeps moving, and I just don't have the stamina to move with it. I think I'll just shrivel up here for a little bit. There's a coke machine right around the corner, but I don't wanna risk the sunlight.

Oh, and by the way - there is a special motorcyclist/scooter greeting. It's the left-handed wave! you see, the throttle (that's the gas, for all you four-wheeled lamoes out there) is controlled by the right hand. So to greet a passing cyclist, you do something with the left hand. Some flex their wrist and stick their left hand outwards (imagine a king, eating his leg of mutton, blithely waving away a starving peasant), others stick their whole left arm down at a 45 degree angle (these tend to be anime-looking all-black-clad visored-helmet badassess). The coolest Hell's Angels bikers just unfurl their fingers a bit.

Me? I have settled on the sideways point. It seems to do the trick.

Really, I'm superenamored of the lefty greet. I feel like a Freemason or something.

The only other time I've given and gotten a lefty greet was the time I met Bob Dole and gave him the ol' Reverso (because his right hand does not work).


2) Scooty isn't doing so well. He huffs and chuggles lately, a whole lot more than he used to. I hope it's just the heat. Really, he's hard to get started, and has no pick-up. Why is that so familiar?

Oh, right. That sounds like my smoove game.

OH! Snap!

3) I think I've gotten to the bottom of Ddogg's crankiness. He said yesterday that before we set off, he made a conscious decision not to annoy me. And then so I guess I'm annoying him. And since he's annoyed, and feels that he's gone out of his way not to be annoying, well- let's do the math.

(annoyed-annoying)^2 = annoyed^2 - 2(annoyed*annoying) + annoying^2. Or something. I can't remember.

(What a crappy dork am I! I can't even remember the quadratic formula.)

anyway, I now have three missions - ride the scooter across the country, get the Cookie Lady some buffalo, and annoy Ddogg less.

July 16, 10:21 am, somewhere outside of Wytheville

"Wait Wait Don't Tell me" on a Sunday? I'm discombobulated. Also, Peter Sagal just said, "Humongous bazoongas" on NPR. Really discombobulated.

Man! So there's no damn shoulders on these roads, and only 1 lane of traffic, and no passing, and coal trucks. Biiiig heavy coal trucks, laden with tons of anthracite. Oh, and off to my right, a sheer drop leading to a steep ravine, which feeds into a river valley however many damn feet below me. On the other side, solid rock face.

Boy oh boy, do I declare shenanigans. Thank heavens I'm wearing a wickedly oversized helmet.

July 16, 9:05 am, Wytheville, VA

The rules:

1) No singing (I understand)
2) No addressing the camera (okay)
3) No talking to Ddogg when he's holding the camera and filming me, and is talking to me. (I give up)

Okay. I still am not sure what I am doing wrong. I will stop, though, whatever it is.

On the way to Meadowview - we're going off the route!

Says Ddogg, "Might be risking it, cuz there's nothing. No place to stay until after Hayter's Gap." Gulp.

And there are Carnies in town, with much bigger tents. Double gulp.

July 15, 9:43 pm

In another town park, this one in Wytheville, VA (big banner advertising that it's part of the triumvirite of Wytheville, Wythe, and Bland).

Pretty town, at least compared to Bland.

We were superpsyched when we arrived, because there is a pool 15 feet away from our tent site. Folks were splashing about and sounding all refreshed, and so we go to the pool. Only to be told that it's a private pool party. Also, turns out that it's a private pool. And we don't actually have bathing suits. But come on, Virginia! You're killing me..

Ddogg wants to hack, but it's dark. Hopefuly, this will not interfere with my skillz. My mad skillz.

Anna says re:smoking: "don't do it again! You can quit and you should. <3" I have no idea what <3 means (topless conehead??), but nevertheless Anna is right.

Also, update on the Protestant God chart. When we got separated (for a long time) on the 13th, Ddogg was thinking to maybe squat on the campus of Roanoke College (which is not in the city of Roanoke, but which is close to it). We didn't, as I assume y'all can figure out, but and the next day we heard that there was a massive carbon monoxide leak. One man died, one was in critical condition, and 90 were hospitalized. Alright, Lutheran God. I get your point. you have made it onto the Wrath List.

LUTHERAN GOD - ear tick, schmear tick. This one smothers people in their sleep JUST TO MAKE A POINT. This is probably the bowel-asunderer.

7/14 Budget Inn, Radford, VA -> 8 hrs, 02959.9

July 15, 4:37 pm, Wyeth County, VA

I'm stopped on the side of the road. Looking at some horses eating. Horses are very nice to watch, but beware!

I was once bitten by a horse.

Saw a VCR by the side of the road. Come on, Virginia! I mean, I can understand tossing an empty can of Coors out the window or your car, but a VCR?

Smoked a cigarette last night. Dammit. It was a Parliament Light, of Ddogg's. Then Ddogg set the pack on fire. I smoked another. And then today I came down with a horrible case of the effits. I bought a pack of Reds. Must quit! Must throw out pack!

At least, though, I made it longer than last quit. Last time, two weeks. This time, two weeks and one day. Progress!

July 14, 7:47 pm

For Dave and Eve

From an NPR show entitled "Says You"

three separate puzzles. What do they signify? Think Acronyms or mnemonic devies.

HOMES

WASPLEG

MAY I HAVE A LARGE CUP OF COFFEE

7/13 budget Inn, Christiansburg, VA -> motel sleep made me groggy and dumb, didn't record sleep or mileage

July 14, 2:16 pm, Radford, VA

A freak burst thunderstorm has led me into a library. Ddogg is at a bike shop, so I'm kicking back, drying off, and reading the current New Yorker, the one with the giant propane-power food-spewing barbecue on the cover. Life is good.

Also, talked to a kid named Jacob. He and Nathan Byers handcuffed themselves to the pool diving board a few years back. The town ultimately demolished the pool, but not before the two of them protested for three hours. Eventually, wire-clippers were called in.

July 13, 8:59 pm, Christiansburg, VA

As you can probably tell from the Gideons' quote, we got a motel room. Motel beds are much nicer on the knees than picnic benches.

Hooray!

7/12 Troutville Town Park, Troutville, VA -> 9 hours!, 02825.3

July 13, 5:32 pm, Christiansburg, VA

Smooth Jesus. Found this in the Gideons' Bible:

John 12:14-15
"And Jesus, when he had found a young ass, sat thereon; as it is written, Fear not, daughter of Sion."

Almost as good as King James' Acts of the Apostles 1:18, (my favorite since sophomore year of high school), which tells of the alternate death of Judas Iscariot. I may be a little rusty, so bear with me.

"Now this man (Judas) purchased a plot of land with the reward of his iniquity. And falling headlong, he burst asunder in the midst, and all his bowels gushed out."

And THAT is what we call wrath. Ear ticks? Fuggedaboutit.

July 13, 11:16 am, Elliston, VA

Okay, so I located Ddogg. He's actually behind me, still in Roanoke. As I said, I'm in Elliston in the parking lot of a gas station, getting ready to do my exercises.

50 reps of calving
50 scooter scoots
50 water lifts

The last I tend to do out of the public eye, because I look like an idiot. We'll see if I do them in this BP parking lot.

July 13, 10:13 am, I think I'm lost

So Ddogg let me sleep in. Disaster! Good, because we slept on picnic tables, and they're not so good on the back or the knees, and so as a result I didn't sleep so well.

But disaster nonetheless! I keep losing Route 11, and I've been on the road for 2 hours and still no Ddogg. I need coffee.

Okay, just got coffee. It's 65 cents a cup. What the sweet?!

July 12, 2:18 pm, I don't know where I am, because I am on the side of the road and it is TOOO! WAAY! TOOO! HOT!

It was 96 degrees at noon. Oh my hell is it hot.

Also, http://naturalbridgeva.com/dinoking.html
The web site does not do the attraction justice. From their leaflet:

"It's 1863. While excavating fossils in Lost caverns, a friendly family of paleontologists have discovered a hidden valley filled with living dinosaurs. As the Garrison Family studies these creatures in peace, the Union Army has discovered their secret and is attempting to rustle up the dinos to use as weapons of mass destruction against the South. Which will devour them first, their greed or the dinosaurs?"

All bolding is theirs. And the cover of the leaflet is a Union soldier getting eaten by a dinosaur.

Yikes.

And it is super hot.


7/11 KOA Campground, near Natural Bridge, VA -> 8 hrs, 02780.4

July 12, 1:20 pm, still outside of Mill Creek Cemetery, still waiting for Ddogg

Harrumph. Now that I'm doing proper statistical sampling, it seems that maybe Virginia does NOT have way too many personalized license plates.

9 out of 97 passing cars. Although 16 of them were business vehicles. And I don't know if you can personalize commercial license plates.

Anybody?

July 12, 12:41 pm, outside of Buchanan, VA

Erm, I don't know if I passed Ddogg yet or not. I'm now waiting outside of the Mill Creek Baptist Cemetery. And I just ate a cheeseburger. Boy, do I missa the meat-a.

I wonder when we will ever get out of Virginia. We have been in Virginia for soooo long. Can one state (commonwealth) really be this big?

We stayed at the KOA Campground last night, which was a bit shady. I didn't fear for my person, or anything dramatic like that. But it did strike me as a bad place to raise the kids. My joke is that I wonder if KOA stands for Killed On A.

There were more mosquitos there than at every other stop, added up. My Off worked for about 20 minutes tops, just long enough for the bugs to have a drink, get to know one another, eat some dinner rolls, and maybe catch a smoke.

also, if someone has a bug on them, is it not right and proper to say, "Don't move," and then smack them? This is the way I was raised. Ddogg takes exception to this. But he had 4 (count 'em, 4) mosquitos on his forehead! No singing, no slapping bugs off Ddogg. I'm learning.

We finally did laundry and swam in a pool! Huzzah.

I have the sissiest city feet. Walking on point gravel hurt (sure, of course), but so did walking on KOA's pointy grass. Booo!

Lastly, did more license plate checks. 3 personalized out of 12 total. All cars in the Mill Creek parking lot. Then, 7 out of 74 cars that passed by.

July 11, 1:46 pm, still around Lexington-ish area

I'm enjoying a local libation called Cheerwine.

It's apparently been the original cheerwine since 1917. I am also told (by the label) that "It's Good Taste!" Tastes like the color red should.

I just got a call from Kate Brennan, who is IN CHARLOTTESVILLE! Aargh. I am very bad at keeping in touch.

Virginia is the land of personalized license plates. It is wild, how many there are. I've counted 1 out of 7, 1 out of 5, 2 out of 7, two out of 15, and 3 out of 10. And I'm being as unbiased as possible. Like, I'm not seeing one and then counting. I am picking a parking lot, and then observing how many personalized plates there are, and how many plates in toto.

I cannot figure out why Ddogg is so cross with me. Why is he so cross? We're not talking about regular crankiness, here, either. He gets exasperated if I ask any questions.

Ddogg: (on the Blue Ridge Parkway). You have to get onto the Blue Ridge parkway. There's a bridge at the entrance.

Me: (stopped, waiting next to a bridge) Is that a stone bridge?

Ddogg: I don't KNOW! Just get up here!

Me: grumble grumble snarf grouch

7/10 - out back of Gertie's country Store, Vesuvius, VA -> 6 hrs, 02743.8

July 11, 1:18 pm, Lexington, VA

Warning - bathroom talk. Rated PG, but gross.

Wow. I went to poop- and I got Strooped. The library where I'm at [while plogging, not blogging - ed.], this is how the bathroom doors are marked. Pink man on the men's room, blue lady on the women's. I was momentarily flummoxed. Frozen, even, like that mule in the story where there are two equidistant piles of hay, and the mule can't make up his mind which one to eat, and dies.

Except I am experiencing too much food in the ol' alimentary canal. So that shook me out of my flum.

You see, yesterday, Ddogg and I ate this super-dense pumpernickle that doesn't (can't!) go bad, along with a (I swear) "Gouda-type food". Ddogg thought it was too gross to eat. So of course I ate the bulk of it.

And I do mean bulk. Let's just say that what snapped me out of my indecision, it was longer than my forearm. Whoa-ho-ho-HOO!

Also, I just blogged the plog, and got a container of Halt! brand dog repellant. Damn.

Gotta do laundry, and how!

July 10, 4:51 pm, somewhere on the Blue Ridge Parkway in VA

Bored and full, so I'm sunning myself at Rock Point Overlook. I am approximately 3115 feet above sea level. The view of the Blue Ridges is breathtaking.

And booooooy is it ever hot..

July 10, 12:59 pm, Afton, VA

Sat and visited with June "The Cookie Lady" Curry and Debbie, her helper. I now have a new mission (besides biking across the country with all of Ddogg's stuff). I have to find figurines for June. Buffalo, indians, cowboys, wagons, gravestones, etc. June and Debbie make tabletop dioramas, and the next one is a pioneer town.

Gave June a hug goodbye. That felt great.

July 10, 10:47am, Afton, VA

also, what is Rat Cheese? Yesterday, I passed a store that was selling it. It can't be the obvious, can it?

More on the Cookie Lady's house:

The bike house reminds me of a house I would imagine while somebody reads 4-year-old-me a bedtime story. Tom Bombadil has got NOTHING on the Cookie Lady. This is indeed a house out of a faerie tale.

(No, though, it's not made of cookies. Although if you wanted to lure yrs truly to an untimely Grimm oven-death, building a chocolate-chip-cookie house would be the way to go about it.)

One of the things hung up on the wall is a handmade sign. There are two socks, one covered in blood, tacked to the sign. The sign reads, "Damn brakes! 9/29/84 Lou".

July 10, 10:11 am, Afton, VA

Okay. I'm not out of line here, am I?

Is it overreacting if I accidentally poke my eyeball (hard) (and while I have sunscreen all over my finger) - is it overreacting to go, "Ow!"?

Sheesh. I gotta get a thicker skin. And better finger aim.

July 10, 8:59am, Afton, VA

Woke up after a good night's couch sleep. At the house of the legendary Cookie Lady! She has gotta be the bike-friendliest person I have had the pleasure to come across.

I haven't yet actually met her, yet, though.

But the house is awesome. Literally awesome. It is crammed with mementos from some of the Cookie Lady's many guests. She has hosted, by her logbooks, over 13,000 guests.

So the house is welcoming, but also weird and unlike any place I've been before. Imagine you rode your bike (or scooter) and came across an enchanted spot in the woods. Sehr eldritch.

Lost my NPR reception, and while wandering the Blue Ridge radio dial, came across the Cameron McAllister show. Creepiest. Radio. Show. In the world. Like Loveline, a call-in show for teens who need frank sexual advice. Except the whole point is, "Don't be gay."

Or actually, the point was specifically, "You are not a homosexual. Why would you say that about yourself? Don't say that about yorself. You are a Christian struggling with homesexual tendencies.

Couldn't turn the radio off. Like watching somebody get hit by a car - I couldn't not pay attention.

7/9 June "Cookie Lady" Curry's house, Afton, VA -> 8.5 hrs, 02706.6

July 9, 1:00pm, Charlottesville, VA, Part II

This I know:

On this trip, I will either lose Ddogg, or a tooth.

7/8 Budget Inn, Charlottesville, VA ->8 hrs sleep , end of day mileage=02670.(between 8 and 9)

July 9, 1:00 pm, Charlottesville, VA

Cville is a nice town. Civilized and bustly, yet right on the razor's edge of rurality.

However, whoever layed this place out can chomp my butt. The streets are dumb, or confusing, or both. There is both a Second Street, and a 2nd Street. And the bike shop is on one of them, and Ddogg's phone is in the bike shop, and Ddogg lost his walkie-talkie, and I lost Ddogg.

Sigh.

Anyway, I found him. And lost him many more times since then. Dave says to go to the Best Buy - go up Emmett until I find the mall.

There are at least 9 malls in a row! I check out the first two, to see if there's a Best Buy. Bupkis. I drive up Emmett, hoping to find a sign for Best Buy (turns out that it is cleverly hidden by trees and a bridge). No go.

So I call Ddogg, and he says that he's in the mall at Emmett and 29. So I'll hang a u-ey, head back down Emmett, and go to the mall at 29.

But somehow, for some god-forsaken reason, I am ON 29! Without turning. Then, when I finally do find the Best Buy, I hang a right to get into the parking lot. Except that it is actually a well-disguised highway on-ramp!

Arrgh!

July 8, 10:00 am, Mineral, VA

It's Saturday, and we're in a town of approximately 430 people. I think there is no chance in hell of picking up NPR. Around DC I had my choice of three stations!

Feast or famine, I suppose.

Bad day yesterday, for yrs truly. No idea what happened, or why, but my emotions decided to break. Beforehand, good mood. Afterwards, rotten mood. Also, Ddogg has been getting nasty, sniping my ass out over everything. No filming a picture of the Pennsylvania Irregulars - no using the spoon side of the spoon to get mustard - no tick-flicking with a pen (but okay with finger?).

Just to name a few from yesterday. I guess he's tired and cranky from exercising, but come on.

Mineral, VA is a very nice town. The volunteer firefighters let bikers stay on their property. And use their stove, and shower, and watch TV. This southern hospitality is something I could get used to.

Don't eat Virginia corn. It grows by the side of the road, and there's probably broken glass or cigarette butts in there or something.

7/7 Mineral Volunteer Firefighter Company campground ->7 hrs

July 7, 1:58 pm, who knows, VA

Virginia is such a beautiful state. I'll turn round a corner, and suddenly appears a landscape which brings to mind van Gogh and Renoir.

Too bad that this state is also a cesspool of litter and filth. Beer bottles, shoes, McDonalds' wrappings, empty packs of smokes, the box for a satellite dish. I have never seen so much roadside trash. And I canvassed door-to-door in New Jersey.

How much sunscreen will I go through on this trip? Start placing your bids now. I am planning on writing words on my belly. We'll see how that goes.

Jeeps - we've been driving since 9:00 am, and the whole time we've been like 50 miles away from Charlottesville. I don't know what route Ddogg has us on, but it's a doozy.

July 7, 11:00 am Fredericksburg, VA

Lovely night at Mary Washington University (College?). We camped out behind a big brick block. Completely hidden - it was great. Free internet and complementary poopers. Everything was made of brick. Idyllic.

Today we have to get to Charlottesville, so Ddogg can get his new phone. The old one took a slight spill right around the same time that I lost my sunglasses.

The goggles I now wear are awful, but necessary. They make my nose hurt. If I didn't wear them, my nose would feel great and I would be blind. Flying grit has already cut my lips. Imagine what it would do to tender corneas.


7/5 Tommy's, again, Falls Church, VA-> 6.5 hrs
7/6 Mary Washington College, Fredericksburg, VA -> 6 hrs

July 5, 6:30pm, Falls Church, VA

Still at Tommy's house. He and his wife have a daughter who is just over 1 year old. She is perhaps the happiest baby I have ever seen. Her name is Emma, and it's amazingly great to be around her. No surprise, because her parents are good people (nice like you wouldn't believe).

So I'm glad that Dave and I are rained out. Rained IN, really. Flash flood warnings until 9pm, at least. We can't even take the tent down, let alone leave.

Dave and I arrived yesterday afternoon, after accidentally getting waylaid at a 7-11 half a mile from Tom's house. Tom and Allison were at a party, and weren't getting back until 9ish. So Ddogg and I did the full-on hobo act for the neighbors. We washed ourselves from the hose, set up a tent, and cooked out dinner on our tiny gasoline stove - all in the backyard.

Then, in the middle of dinner, Ddogg tried to get a bug out of his ear. Everything was tried - flashlight shining, q-tipping, finger poking, bloodied-q-tip-stick-with-all-the-cotton-pulled-off jabbing. Nothing worked. The next step was to blare 2Live Crew into Ddogg's ear until the bugger came out.

But that could have hurt Ddogg's ear.

So he went to the ER. They used water - I suppose that's why they're doctors and we're not.

I asked him at dinner, "When did you first think you had a bug in your ear?" I guess I was picturing a scene where he wakes up and casually twirls his pinky finger in his ear canal, and he touches insect hinder, and then a look of dread passes over his face.

But he's all short-tempered and like, "I don't know!"

I say, "This afternoon or this morning?"

Even more cross, he spits out a frustrated, "I. Don't. KNOW."

I wanted to be all sassy and snap, "What crawled up your ass?" but then I know he would have hit me. He would have lunged across Tommy's deck table and strangled me.


Ddogg's ER discharge paper: "You have had a foreign body removed from your ear canal (or your child's ear canal). You may have some soreness [and] bleeding for several hours."

Yikes. Vengeful Methodist God, I fear and respect you. Please leave me be.

7/4 Tommy's, Falls Church, VA - recharge! -> 11 hours

July 4, 10:30 pm

Ddoggs back with his hearing intact, and I got a shower!

Huzzah!

July 4, 8:30 pm

Still light out. No fireworks, but many firecrackers. Ddogg left for the hospital, after digging into his head throughout dinner.

I am sitting here by my lonesome, not smoking. Dammit.

Lost my sunglasses today, sometime after chatting it up with a really really cute blond at a gas station near Quantico. She went to Upenn. And I realized just now [editor's note - just now when writing, not when typing] that I didn't go "Heck, I worked there, fer crying out loud!"

I can't say for sure that we had chemistry, but let's just say that by the end of our chat she looked cold, but it wasn't cold out (105 degrees, with the heat index). If that's not too vague.

She was lost and I was lost, right near the George Bush Intelligence Center. (there's a scathing politico-rock song there somewhere). I'm wearing a pink-on-black Swarthmore Women's Rugby t-shirt and shortish-shorts, and unshaven and sweaty, and I'm pretty sure I smelled bad. Also, the sweat made my sunscreen turn white, so I was covered in a filmy-yeasty-Gollum slime.

But I think we had chemistry.

Why did everybody ask me for directions today? Don't I look absolutely lost? I feel it.

July 4, 7:30pm part 2

Protestant Gods' Scorecard
So far, in terms of Protestant Gods, here's what we got.

QUAKER GOD - a pushover. Nothing to worry about.

EPISCOPALIAN GOD - sensible, sturdy. Like good shoes. On the Mohs Scale of Wrath? He's talc.

METHODIST GOD - HEY! DO NOT MESS WITH THIS GUY!

I am serious. He will send a bug into your ear.

July 4, 7:30 pm

make the following fly past your mind's eye like the Star Wars opening titles:

THE BUG INSIDE DDOGG's EAR
"Something crawled up there and died." -Ddogg

We woke up today on the lawn of a Methodist Church. Well, 'lawn' is a strong word. Let's say 'graveyard'. Sleeping on church property has been very nice, and we have had no vengeful-God-wrath so far.

Did a lotta riding, and then even more riding on this day of Independence. Sometimes I doubled back, and rode the same boring turf over. To break up the monotony, I drove on the George Washington Memorial Parkway, which terrifies me and made me scream.

I lost my sunglasses but talked to a really cute lady for a while.

So then we got to Tommy's house (Tommy being Ddogg's earliest friend). We had just enough time to shower under the Elmo sprinkler before a massive thunderstorm broke out.

And I mean MASSIVE. Thunder-booming and lightning-crackling (actual le-sizzles - not thunder) and oh my crap. This storm was George-Washington-Memorial-Parkway-esque in its and menace, and in its capacity to terrify me.

I got used to the storm pretty quickly, though. I think my disappointment distracted me. I was certain that this thunderstorm meant no 4th Fireworks.

However, my disappointment now turns to apprehension, because I find out that Ddogg has a LIVING MOVING BUG INSIDE HIS EAR! From sleeping in a graveyard.

7/3 Mt. Zion Methodist Church -> 8 hrs

July 3

Got out of PA yesterday circa 2:00pm. Finally.

Maryland is hot hot hot. Makes me want to smo-smo-smoke. No smoking at all! Dammit!!

I need to shower shower shower.

7/1 stayed at Camp Otter Creek for a steep discount -> 5.5 hours
7/2 crashed the gates at St. James Episcopal Academy ->8.5 hrs

July 1st

Starting note-keeping. I have been too tired and lazy to write.

Forgot to say "rabbit rabbit" this morning. This trip is now doomed. I doubt that we'll make it to CA alive.

Where will we wind up? Who knows. I just don't want to fall off the scooter. I want to stay atop the moving scooter. Me plus scooter equals good balance. Please please please please please.

No sunburn. yet.
Still in PA. We left on 6/29. WTF?!?

If you designed roads and knew that people would be driving around and would be kind of lost, and weren't totally lost only because they were looking at maps (every once in a while) and memorizing the Route numbers onto which they have to turn next, would you put Route 642 right next to Route 264?

Because I wouldn't.

6/29 squatted on Quaker land for the night -> 5 hrs of sleep
6/30 stayed with Mr. Marv, and the irrepressible Toby the Bitey Shitzu ->8 hrs

the Rules

Okay. I thought that this blog was made up like DAAAYYs ago. Have I been losing entries, or did I simply not blog correctly? Apparently, I can never make web sites work right.

Anyway, I said something like: "I'm keeping a paper blog (heretofore referred to as 'plog'), and sending it into the aether when possible. So the subject lines of my posts will have the correct date and time. Ignore the 'date posted:' info." I think I do not have to explain this further.

Lemme know if that is so.

Also, running tally of places we've slept, and how much sleep I got will be at the end of every post. Or almost every post. I may forget to do it. If this bothers you, you should sue me.

Here we go:

Laid out near DC

Okay. We are stuck in beautiful Falls Church, VA. The rain won't stop. And Dave just woke the baby.

More to come - looks like we're stuck here for another night. Would be a bad thing, except our hosts are great (and they force me to eat their meat foods! Yaaay meat! It's been too long...). Also, since the male host is supposed to go on a diet, it is my duty to eat his birthday cake. I kid you not.

I'll see if Dave can post a photo of how much I've eaten.

And I will soon transfer the primitive blogwork I've been keeping (that's pen and paper, for all you cool kids out there).

Damn, the baby is crying.