Exploded Hand Syndrome

Contrary to popular consensus, the hardest part of being self-taught is not making a fake diploma. That's easy. Get some heavy stock from Staples, come up with some Latinus nonsensicus, and make sure your sharpie don't slip. Also, do spell your name right.

No, the real ass burner is getting access to peer-reviewed journals. That's right, the bee-otches at Elsevier think that I can afford their exorbidently damn access fees. I cannot. Why? Because I am poor. That's why I am not fully college-educated (and vice versa).

I'm trying to learn about exploded hand syndrome.

But all I've got is youtube (warning - pretty graphic video - not for gastrically weak), which isn't much help.

Reporter Hits Man on Head with a Shovel

THIS is why they don't show "A Clockwork Orange" in the UK - jesus beezus, even the news reporters are hooligans!

Derek Tedder is reporting on d30, a non-Newtonian substance that hardens when compressed. It's now used inside motorcycling gloves, Olympic skiing and snowboarding apparel, and iPhone sleeves. To demonstrate its effectiveness, the reporter has decided to whack a guy with a shovel. On the head. Twice.

And then kneecaps him, on both knees, for good measure.

Why doesn't Matt Lauer pull shit like this? Bring back J. Fred Muggs, give him some Xanax, and I swear I will watch the Today Show. Muggs could bite off Kathie Lee Gifford's face and hands, and Lauer donks him in the head with a shovel.

Or Willard Scott can bring in a birthday cake for Muggs, and then Kathie Lee rips off Lauer's thumb and chews off Willard's nose and testicles. And then Lauer donks her on the head with a shovel.

Must. See. TV.

This is your chance, Tartikoff!

Porn Movie - Sex Scenes = Art Film

If you don't believe me, check out the (slightly) Safe For Work (i.e., no nudity, but a few cursewords) Batpussy.

This could be like a post-graduate thesis. A good post-graduate thesis.

Turtle Gets Wheels, Loving

The good news: A disabled tortoise has been fitted with a set of wheels. Avara, whose rear legs are paralyzed, couldn't walk and didn't mate. The staff at the Jerusalem Biblical Zoo built her a prosthetic set of wheels, and now, says Yahoo News, "a particularly amorous 10-year-old male has been after her."

The bad news: this is the 10-year-old male.

I... Don't... Understand!

Trawling through internet videos (the good kind) (sort of), I suddenly realized I had fallen into watching material that I had no hope of understanding. Twicely so.

the highlights:

"The Secret Life of Plants"

"Gastrulation"

and the kicker,

"real arabic ghost"

on the upside, tonight I finally found the answer to a question which has bugged me for 15 years (but not the thumb and the flappy thing one, or the embryo gone rogue question) - what's on the other side of my belly button? more to come.

Houston, We Have A., Um, Problem

Incontrovertible proof that Richard Gere has been in space:

Twenty [sexual] positions were tested by computer simulation to obtain the best 10... "Two guinea pigs then tested them in real zero-gravity conditions. The results were videotaped but are considered so sensitive that even Nasa was only given a censored version."

Now if we only could get our hands on the original tape. Where to look? Hmmmm...

p.s. -Sly Stallone says that Richard Gere thinks Hhe's responsible for the rumor. I did not know this.

Boy Do I Love Animated GIFs