Exploded Hand Syndrome

Contrary to popular consensus, the hardest part of being self-taught is not making a fake diploma. That's easy. Get some heavy stock from Staples, come up with some Latinus nonsensicus, and make sure your sharpie don't slip. Also, do spell your name right.

No, the real ass burner is getting access to peer-reviewed journals. That's right, the bee-otches at Elsevier think that I can afford their exorbidently damn access fees. I cannot. Why? Because I am poor. That's why I am not fully college-educated (and vice versa).

I'm trying to learn about exploded hand syndrome.

But all I've got is youtube (warning - pretty graphic video - not for gastrically weak), which isn't much help.

Reporter Hits Man on Head with a Shovel

THIS is why they don't show "A Clockwork Orange" in the UK - jesus beezus, even the news reporters are hooligans!

Derek Tedder is reporting on d30, a non-Newtonian substance that hardens when compressed. It's now used inside motorcycling gloves, Olympic skiing and snowboarding apparel, and iPhone sleeves. To demonstrate its effectiveness, the reporter has decided to whack a guy with a shovel. On the head. Twice.

And then kneecaps him, on both knees, for good measure.

Why doesn't Matt Lauer pull shit like this? Bring back J. Fred Muggs, give him some Xanax, and I swear I will watch the Today Show. Muggs could bite off Kathie Lee Gifford's face and hands, and Lauer donks him in the head with a shovel.

Or Willard Scott can bring in a birthday cake for Muggs, and then Kathie Lee rips off Lauer's thumb and chews off Willard's nose and testicles. And then Lauer donks her on the head with a shovel.

Must. See. TV.

This is your chance, Tartikoff!