July 23, 9:03 pm, Bardstown, KY

WARNING - Poop related post (surprise!) with a censored but still somewhat readable swear word

1) Oh gosh.

I'm still not right, gastrointestine-wise. If me bowels get any looser, I'll be emitting a fine mist. Ddogg suggests that I eat the other cheese-like thing, to bind me up. That's certainly what happened last time.

This "cheese" is a cheddar-based garlic-flavored thing. I don't know, I really don't. I may be going to far. Eating the garlic-cheddar would be quite the disproportionate response, even as bad as I've been. That stuff is Agent Orange Cheese. It's like the h-bomb for my a-hole.

We'll see.

At least I don't have any bourbon in me. That wouldn't help sloppy colon at all.

Isn't it always something? To paraphrase the late great Erma Bombeck, "If life is a bowl of cherries, why do I always get the sh*ts?"

2) So we pulled into bourbon county today. And I'm like, "Wazoo!" And but it's Sunday, and they don't sell liquor here on Sundays. So now I'm all, "Boo!"

And the worst part of this is, is that I didn't find out about the Blue Laws until after I walked into the Skinner box that is the Bourbon Heritage Center's Gift Shop. In said Gift Shop is this device, wherein you push a button, and fine barrel-aged bourbon smell is shot at your face.

I admit it - I stood in front of the machine and pushed the button. At least three times.

And then I found out that I couldn't actually buy bourbon, only smell it.

You will pay for this, Kentucky! Maybe I will eat that "cheese" after all, and poop someplace where you all won't find it for at least a week.

I will upper-decker your entire state! Yes, yes, this is deviously delicious. I will drop the super-bitter-sorta-cheddar-upper-decker. Mwah-ha-ha-ha-haaa!

Watch it, Kentucky. I just might.