Nerd Duty Pix

teddy ruxpin
re: Teddy Ruxpin

It is my nerd duty to disabuse everyone of the following LIE:

"If you put a heavy metal cassette into Teddy Ruxpin, he will sing heavy metal."


This is not true! Even though I thought it was, it never has been. How could this happen? (Have happened? Have had happened?)

He will play the music alright, but his mouth will not move. Nor will his head spin around. Nor will he subliminally incite your child to commit suicide. Nor will he unfurl his grafted cow tongue, flick it lasciviously, and then disappear in a shower of fire with the Star Child, the Space Man, and the Cat Man.

But most importantly, his goddamn mouth will not goddamn move.

His tapes were special tapes. The left track was vocals, and the right track was encoded pulse-position modulation.

The real tapes has notching on the top, and if there was no notching, Teddy would bypass his animatronics and simply play the tape.

Why did I not know this? I need someone to blame, and I think I will blame the Popples.

If it hadn't been for Punkster Popple, my inner rebel would not have been sated, and I would have put the damn "Smokin' in the Boys Room" tape into the damn teddy bear, and none of us would be in this crazy messed-up situation.

Except also though, Mike Dukakis would have won the '88 election, leading to a world of all flowers and butterflies and free soda (except for the Soviets, who would still exist).

And I would still have all my Popples. And a Lamborghini Countach QV, with which I would escape the coming Red Army invasion of the U.S. (thanks a lot, Democrats!) , and would lead a rag-tag army of malcontent rock stars, and we would rescue all the Americans imprisoned in the salt pits, where they'd mine salt for Premiere Willie Horton.

And eventually, people would be in zoos and Monchichis would rule the Earth. Get your boy doll puppet paws offa me, you damn dirty ape!