July 23, 3:16 pm, Bardstown, KY

I cannot for the life of me figure out why people keep asking me for directions! One out of every three days I am asked for directions. Do I look like a local? Maybe. I have a theory:

Perhaps every town has this one guy who is, shall we say, a little touched in the head. He's highly functioning, maybe even has a part-time job at Wal-Mart. He gets to and from the local Wal-Mart on his 50-cc scooter. And he always wears his helmet! And he always wears his goggles.

Even though they hurt his nose!

And maybe, just maybe, he looks a little something like this:

July 23, 2:40 pm, Bardstown, KY

Trying to keep mind out of the gutter that is my bottom. Concentrate, crampy-san!

They sell ice in this town that's advertised as "Better than homemade!"

The NPR affiliate is WUKY. "NPR that rocks." I heard both Peter Sagal and Ira Glass intone, "You're listening WUKY, NPR that rocks!" It is amusing.

This isn't working.

July 23, 12:00 pm, Texas, KY

One Scooter's Haikus for Youse's Computers:

1) good Kentucky folk
you can't understand my speech
I know how y'all feel

2) so many cattle
glad I don't have to count them
or clean up their poop

3) objects in rearview
mirror may appear to be
driving up my ass


4) the wind in my hair
a wide smile upon my face
bugs in hair and teeth


5) hold it til Bardstown
oh man oh man oh my LORD!
you can do it, champ

July 22, 5:52 pm, Lancaster, Ky

1) Made my own Mr. Pibb today. Serviceable, but not good. Man....

2) It goes by many different names. Some call it "the runs", some "mudbut", others "Montezuma's Revenge". I call it "Taco Bell's Cannon".

Whatever one calls it, I have it, and I don't like it. I think it's from that Mexican Food. I hadn't eaten meat in weeks! And then I ate three chicken tacos. (Also, Ddogg bought me pickled jerky this afternoon, but that's a little to soon to be causing this kind of devastation (I think). This is bad, people!)

Remember when I said that it was like Christmas in my mouth? Well, now it's the middle of January, and the tree got all dry and brown and I had to throw it out. And it only fit through one door. Barely.

Here's hoping I make it to Danville intact.

7/21 Oh KY! RV Park, Berea (just outside), KY -> 9 hrs, 03449.1

July 22, 3:18 pm, Paint Lick, KY

1) Last night - Peter, Paul, and Mary did it ever rain last night. We got our tents set up at an RV Campground, just as the maelstrom descended. Fat lot of good the tents did, though. The winds were strong enough that I didn't feel safe in my tent. I don't think I'll ever feel safe in a moving tent. Also, I am a good planner, and I set my tent up next to a cove of flimsy-looking trees.

As you can predict, I ran like a ninny into the RV Campground Laundry Room. Did some laundry (much needed laundry), talked on the phone with Mary and Steve, listened to a whole show of Johnny Cash music on NPR, drank some Miller High Life Lite which this guy donated to us, killed time, et cetera.

Spend a lot of time chatting with this fellow named Paul, who is now retired, but who used to be a fire fighter and then a police officer in Madison County (of which Berea is a part). I learned quite a bit about firefighting.

For instance, did you know that there's something called a Red Team? That's a contingent of the firefighters who are there only to rescue other firefighters. If you try and use their tools, you will get your ass chewed out.

2) Today - in an effort to quit smoking, I bought the cheapest, worst pack of cigarettes I could find. The brand? "Kentucky's Best".

And I don't think they're kidding.

July 21, 4:22 pm, Berea, KY

I am having a lunch of tacos and tortillas @ El Rio Grande Mexican Restaurant. Mmmmmmme gusto! Two, count' em, TWO kinds of hot sauce, red and green. It's like Christmas morning in my mouth.

The waitress asked me if I would like anything to drink, and I said, "Water, please." I got a blank look in return. "Oh, um, wah-terr, please." Gritos y exclamaciones, and I got my wah-terr.

Wow, seriously, this is some good grub. Who knew one could get good Mexican food in Kentucky? Three chicken tacos for $3!

I guess, of all the cities in KY that I've seen so far, it figures that Berea would be the city with good Mexican cuisine. Berea reminds me of Santa Fe, except with no adobe in sight. A lot of local artists, though, displaying their wares.

The artists sell something called "Hot Flash Beads". I thought maybe I'd get some for my Mom, but I figure that that is treading into verrry uncertain territory. If she's not menopausal, it's a mite insulting. If she is, she might be moody anyway, and be all like, "And why do you assume that I'm going through The Change? Answer me! Answer me!! Why is it so hot in here?" and then fly into a conniption.

Where was I? Oh yeah, if you do come to Kentucky, be sure to stop by Berea.

(p.s.- I am allowed to make menopause jokes about my Mom, because my hairline is receding. Thanks again for the good genes, mother of mine!)

7/20 Booneville Presbyterian Church, Booneville, KY -> 9 hrs, 03356.1

July 21, 9:50 am, Pleasant Grove, KY

1) I am slightly lost. In the Town of Beattyville (pronounced "Beidle"), home of the Wooly Worm Festival. How do I know? As you approach the city limits, there is a giant sign bragging "Home of the Wooly Worm Festival!".

2) Somebody's been shooting the water towers!

3) Last night, the pastor thought I was British. I don't know what's happening to my accent.

4) Audley Gay is running for County Judge Executive. So it is possible that by this time next year, Kentucky may allow Gay marriages. Is this unusual? Let's ask candidate for Circuit Judge, Mr. Tom Jones.

Just lovely. And by that, I mean Gary Lovely, candidate for sheriff. Although he's running up against a Mr. Short, who has the best signs of all - "ELECT SHORT SHERIFF!"

You gotta love this commonwealth.

5) at the birthplace of Earle B. Combs. Centerfielder for the Yankees 1924-1935, coach for 36-43. Helped NY win 11 pennants and 9 World Series.

Lifetime batting average of .325!

Live from 1899-1976.

Happy late Father's Day, pops.

July 20, 7:54 pm, Booneville, KY

Forget my earlier post. Day is now awful.

[long ranty post ignored - ed.]

The less said the better. And I started smoking again.

I hate my brain.

7/19 Buckhorn State Park, Buckhorn, KY 12 hours!!, 03333.5

July 20, 11:44 am, Buckhorn Lake Campground, in Breathitt County, KY

Sweet baby James! Boy do I ever feel refreshed. Went to bed last night around 9:30, fell asleep sometime around 11. Woke up proper this morning at 11:11! I feel so great.

I just started to eat a hard-boiled egg, and but it was slightly bad (smelled funny and tasted tingly - only a day old, but kept in the heat allll day - go figure..) ->even this can't ruin my day. I am too refreshed!

So we stayed, and are in, a park managed by the Army Corps of Engineers. If Ddogg defaces the property, or I discharge a lethal weapon outside of authorized areas, we face prosecution under the Flood Control Act of 1970. Oooh, no! not the dreaded Flood Control Act of 1970!

Childish sarcasm aside - the Army Corps of Engineers derives their modern mandate from the FLOOD CONTROL ACT? My irony detector just exploded in my hand.

July 19, 9:00 pm, I don't care where I am, KY

Hurrah!

No smoking today. At all.

7/18 the Madden's Hostel, Pippa Pass, KY -> 7.5 hrs, 03227.1

July 19, 1:34 pm, guess where I am, KY

Because your guess is as good as mine.

Oh my crap is it ever scary to be sharing the road with coal trucks. It's bad enough when they come looming up behind me in the right-hand lane.

But it's something else entirely when they drive past in the opposing lane, and the wash threatens to knock me down. Holy sherbert!

July 19, 12:47 pm, still don't know where I am, KY

Boy, is it ever hot. I tell ya, it's so hot..

("How hot is it?")

It's so hot that we've been sitting underneath gas-pump awning since I made my last plog entry.

(rimshot).

Gotta love the classics.

The heat index is well above 100 today, and the only shade we can find is next to gasoline pumps. I'm kind of afraid that the pumps might burst into flame, but I don't care - I'm not moving.

July 19, 11:09 am, ??, KY, part 2

So much of the road here appears to have been hewn through the underlying rock. The exposed rock faces are pretty neat to drive past. Miles and miles of striated strara, blowing past me at 35 mph.

It's wonderful to imagine 200 million years ago, when all of this state was at the bottom of an ocean. (And not wonderful = great. I'm not trying to insult the good people of Kentucky here. Wonderful = 'I am full of wonder' (although being at the bottom of an ocean would be "wonderful" wonderful in that it would give Kentucky a good non-inbreeding excuse for having blue folk.)).

July 19, 11:09 am, ??, KY, part 1

Got lost for quuuuite a bit, and wound up in Rowdy, KY. Now, I may be wrong, but I think I was in the land of the blue people.

Saw a whole bunch of mail boxes with the name Fugate on 'em, and a street called Hardshell Fugate Fork (or Pike). And I know that the Blue Fugates lived in Kentucky.

For those of you who think I am crazy (or high) - I am neither. Well, at least not high. I can't remember the name of the condition, but it really did give folks blue skin. The condition is also (I think) a side effect of an early aspirin substitute that Tylenol replaced (for obvious reasons).

Anyway, that's that.

July 19, 7:34 am, Hindman, KY

Right near Hazard County - and ironically the only place that's sending out the NPR vibes. WEKH!

I just heard (via NPR) that a 28-year-old man from Hindman, Jason Mosely, was killed yesterday in a cave-in at a nearby mine. Counting my blessings.

July 19, 6:54 am, Pippa Pass, KY

Near Mary Lloyd College.

It is too early for my kind to be driving, gargantutron helmet or no. I pulled into a Texaco and got a large coffee. And for gas station coffee, it sure is delicious. Then again, all coffee is delicious before 7 am. Groan.

You know how I know I'm in the mountains? Because it's so damned foggy that I can't see any mountains.

So here's the lyrics to a song in my head since like at least Ephrata:

Oh, I like my lady like Pol Pot liked to garden.
In the Killing fields
of the Khmer Rouge
even a soft heart has to harden.

See the headless crowd standing underground,
like carrots.
Disembodies heads gathered into beds,
like cabbage.

Well, I like my lady like leather likes to cure.
And my lady likes me
like the birds on the sea love a shipwreck.

July 18, 8:20 pm, Ashcamp?, KY

Well well. Kentucky certainly is its own state (commonwealth? how many damn commonwealths (commonwealthes?) are there?).

Nowhere else have I seen baloney salad (like chicken salad, except pink). Milk comes in yellow containers, not clear, so it looks like a gallon of margarine. And man alive are the sides of the road dirty! Kentucky makes Virginia look clean enough to eat off of.

No crap - In 1/10th of a mile, I counted 97 separate pieces of litter. Which is both disgusting and uncanny.

This is the second time in a week that compulsive counting has totaled 97. Sigh. Now I must start counting the number of times my counting yields 97.

so far, 2. I'll keep y'all posted.

And no smoking today, at all! Bully for me!

7/17 The Breaks Interstate Park, at the border of VA and KY ->9 hrs, 03150.4

July 18, 12:11 pm, Ashcamp, KY

[no idea what this is about. I didn't write anything. sorry. -ed.]

July 18, 12:04 pm, Elk Horn City, KY

25 cent coffee!

At this price, I can drink like six or seven.

I am in heaven.

July 18, didn't record the time, Pike County, KY

1) Sweetness and light! We made it out of Virginia!! And it only took two weeks.

Now, I'm sitting on the border of Pike County, where either the Hatfields or the McCoys lived. Can somebody look up a little H & McC history for me? I have heard two versions of how the feud started - either one group shot a member of the other group during the Civil War, or somebody stole somebody's pig (or maybe shot the pig - maybe during the Civil War?). Much appreciated.

Also appreciated will be creative stories, wherein a pig in a Union suit shoots a member of the Hatfields. bonus points for using the phrase, "Dammit, Jim! I'm a doctor, not a sniper!"

2) Bad night's sleep last night. Bad dreams and rocky ground. My neck is killing me, and the ginormous helmet strapped to my noggin isn't helping matters, not at all.